Diretrizes da matriz enviada aos funcionários da filial brasileira

It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Portuguese-speaking staff, and to be precise, by YOU. 

Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.

Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:

1) Words like caralho, cacete, porra or puta que o pariu and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion.

2) You will not say cagada when someone makes a mistake, or está fazendo cagada if you see somebody either being reprimanded or making a mistake, or que cagada when a major mistake has been made. All forms derivated from the verb cagar are inappropiate in our environment.

3) No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as filho da puta, pentelho, or grande come merda or vaca gorda puta que a pariu.

4) A person with outstanding qualities will not be referred to as o pica master das galáxias.

5) Lack of determination will not be referred to as falta de culhão or coisa de boiola and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as puto, corno, cagão or viado.

6) Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as punhetas mentais.

7) Do not say como enche o puto do saco este pentelho do caralho if a person is persistent. When a task is heavy to accomplish remember that you must not say é foda. In a similar way, do not use esse cara está fudido if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say que foda when matters become complicated.

8) When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say vai à merda.

9) Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with que porra você quer ?

10) When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than isto está fudido or isto aquí é foda, or puta que o pariu!!!.

11) No salary increase shall be ever referred to as aumentinho de merda or que merreca.

12) Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners velhos pentelhos or velhos babacas.

13) Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not say vou limpar o cu com isto. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly. 

We hope you will keep these directions in mind.

Thank you.